This is the first time since going to college that I have intentionally looked at my life as a clean slate. My latest consulting projects have wrapped up, the yoga studio is under new ownership, and the semester of teaching is complete until January. I am spending the next 4 months away from home, so there are no house projects or regular routines to follow. It is at once exciting and terrifying.
It is exciting to imagine the edges of this clean slate. How long will it be? How wide will it extend? How deep will it go? How high will it reach? What are the contours and textures of it? Yet I know enough about myself to know the slate is never totally clean. All of my habits and preferences remain, and my neural pathways will continue to draw me in comfortable directions.
One of my habits and preferences is to explore, which is a favorite way to spend my time. We had the opportunity this past week to get out and see some of the Low Country in South Carolina. While the heat and humidity take getting used to after living in the desert Southwest for years, the wide open expanses of wildlife and nature along the ocean are breathtaking. Obviously much different than desert and red rocks. And also different from the coast of New England that I am used too.
While there is plenty of development in Low Country, the expanses of marsh land create a kind of buffer for humanity. Spending time at Hunting State Park was a reminder of how beautiful things can be when they are not taken over by humans. There are trails and bridges, but at the end of those the area was it’s own clean slate. It was not empty, but people faded into the background and seemed insignificant once we were near the beach. It was not a mass of humans with coolers and radios. Car parking was a quarter of a mile away, making it feel remote. It was a magnificent expanse of sand, ocean, shells, birds and what is referred to as the “bone-yard”, remnants of giant trees scattered across the shore, left over from many years of storms, now home to bird nests and tide pools.
I feel like these tree bones are like my neural pathways. Everything around them can get cleared out. Uprooted and stripped of leaves. Life events upend expectations, and things get tossed around in a way that can not be controlled. Just like wildlife taking up residence in the “bones”, my mind works to make sense of it all and tries to organize my thoughts and actions into something useful. An old idea might get repurposed into a new creation. A memory might provide insight for a new story. Just like in nature at the beach, the cycles of the tides continually wash away some things, rearrange others and bring up new things. Moving with the flow peacefully, until the next storm.
Part of what is terrifying about this is the lack of identity. Unlike going to college with a clear purpose and stated outcome, this clean slate has total freedom. I have worn lots of hats in my life, student, parent, professor, manager, consultant, business owner, yoga teacher…. All of those hats are now sitting on a shelf in my self identify closet. I may take one of them out now and then, but I am free to create a new hat, or wear none at all. The hats, you see, are something to hide behind. They are both protection from the elements and a way to describe yourself to justify being on the planet.
I like to think that I am secure enough not to feel like I have to justify my worth. I honestly avoid being with people who require that of me. And there are plenty of ways to fill my time. But I don’t want to squander this opportunity either. I could recreate my old routine in this new place. I can create extensive to do lists to keep myself feeling productive. Or I can sit with this discomfort and explore it. I can let the elements have their effect.
My main intention behind giving myself this space is to create a new hat… writer. I don’t know what that looks like for me, or if I even need a hat for it at all. I am trying not to take this too seriously. Having fun is my primary intention for this clean slate. So, I keep reminding myself it is ok for it to be messy and unclear. It is ok to add to the slate, and let the tide wash things away, and bring me new ideas to explore. It is ok, and in fact, desirable to be uncomfortable with this freedom. I hope to build some new neural pathways just like the waves drawing in the sand.
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I LOVE every word of this.
I love the line about imagining the edges of a clean slate. It's a refreshing way to bypass the fear or trepidation of uncertainly and get to action. I will steal that thought. 🥂